recalling weird memories about mom

You know how when you are a kid, it seems like your life's mission is to just figure stuff out? Like bad words: you want to learn and collect them all! Each bad word you learn is like a precious gem to add to your collection. And then sometimes you would overhear your parents talking in a low voice about adult things, using words you've never heard before, and they're angry about it, and you just have to know the whole story. Then you ask mom and she says something like "Nevermind. NOTHING. STOP IT. STOP ASKING ME." Or one of the best lines, because it meant it probably had to do with sex, was: "I'll tell you when you're older." To which I would say, "How old?! Why are you making me wait?! I'm old enough! You never tell me anything!!!" I remember trying to make a mental note of each time she used that line, so I could pull it out at a later date and demand an explanation. But as I got older I learned this would not be necessary. I know (and knew) more about most of those unsavory life things then my mom ever will.

I saw something today that reminded me of a moral outburst from my mom. Now I'm sitting here trying to remember all the weird prudish things she said...and there were a lot! And they're all so weird! It's totally my mom's fault that I always want to be so incredibly open to the point of oversharing about sex and that I'm really into reading about and discussing all aspects of sex, because she was not in the least. My future kids are in for a treat!

• First, I remembered this one time, when I was around 9 years old, we were at the mall and my mom said to her friend, "I can't believe they do that. That is disgusting!" Annoying curious child me was like, "What are you talking about?" and she goes, "Back there. The mannequins have nipples. They don't need to do that. They don't need to put nipples on mannequins." And she said it in this totally disgusted, morally outraged voice. They were these all black busts at Victoria's Secret! Just like Barbie dolls with peas on their breasts. Dear god.
• In the car one day, she suddenly said (in the same low, morally outraged voice), "Change the channel. This is dirty. She is so disgusting." "Why?" I asked. "She is just bad and dirty. I won't support her music." It was a Madonna song!
• She was talking to my babysitter about herself being naive as a teenager. She said, "At my first job, these guys were showing pictures of our co-worker George. And I was like, 'I wanna see them!' And I looked at them [in lowered hushed voice] and he was in [mouthed, not even spoken] DRAG. I had no idea what that even was!" I was standing there at full attention, straining my ears. "What? What were the pictures? I don't get it!" I made a mental note to figure out what the other meaning of "drag" was.
• She was really angry because this one family at our church were vocal democrats, and they wore Clinton/Gore buttons to church. "I can't believe she gives out communion with that on!" "Why?" I asked. "Clinton supports abortion. It's wrong. I can't believe they have the nerve to wear that to church." (again in low, outraged, disgusted voice)

I can't remember anymore right now, but hopefully I will recall some more good ones to add to this list later. So glad I can look back at this with a sense of humor as an adult now and not get really angry. She would use the ridiculous morally outraged voice on me all the time in high school and hearing it made me want to jump out of my skin!!

feeling pensive in my cubicle....sounds like a college essay

We were gathering clothes to do laundry this weekend. "I don't want to wear your old boyfriend's shirt," my new boyfriend said when he picked up a shirt in his pile. Actually, he is not a new boyfriend. He has been my boyfriend for 4 years, about 1/6 of my life so far, and in that small pie slice of years he has become the center of the universe. At some point he stopped being just some guy I was seeing to someone with whom I could reasonable revolve my plans around. From a crush to someone who I know what eats for dinner every night. He is my home. How long does it take for that to happen? Some people get married after knowing each other less than a year. That seems really silly. It seemed silly back then to think that he would become my main person, love, best friend, and family, kind of, because of how silly it seemed in the first place. Like when I was drunk and crying on the sidewalk because I was in love with him.

I wouldn't want to wear his ex's shirt either. Although it wasn't his shirt, which I pointed out, because he never wore it. He gave it to me and I cut and sewed it down to a perfect size. It's stupid, because even though it has his band name on it, I still want to be able to wear it freely since it has a huge glow in the dark spider web (and fits perfectly) and not have it relate it to the ex at all, which is kind of impossible. Anyway, maybe it's because I'm kind of immature or young or something, but it is so incredibly weird to think of your significant other with another significant other. Why do I unreasonably kind of hate everyone Mark has dated in the past? I guess it's not too weird, since they could almost be considered "competition" or "threatening". I can't imagine what they would do together; I can't imagine how he could possibly have loved anyone besides me. I wonder if he feels like that about me. They must have been really stupid together, done really stupid gross things. I wonder what facets of his personality were drawn out.

If I was still with the ex on the t-shirt, I would probably be more depressed and more wussy, because he wasn't into being reckless or wild, really, and he didn't drink. When I don't drink, I don't do many bold things. I'd probably be really frustrated, because the sex was bad. I'd also be frustrated because he would say stupid annoying things like, "That is the definition of irony!" and be completely wrong (true story). Of course now that relationship sounds completely horrible. I think I mistook his stupidity for some kind of purity. Hindsight is 20/20, har har. At least I never got to the point where he became like a partner instead of just a boyfriend, or to a point where it would have not been completely ridiculous to change any of my life plans for him. But I still felt like I was in love at the time. And, love is blind, har har. I am pretty much filled with nothing but contempt for everyone I've dated in the past.

Now I don't ever picture breaking up with Mark, but if we did, I would not have contempt for him. I'm sure it's not just the lens I'm seeing it through, but it's because this is a different relationship than any other one I experienced. It's the only real adult relationship I've ever had. Even though when we are alone together we mostly act like retarded children. I feel secure and loved and held by the universe. And love can be terrifying sometimes. I never was afraid of death before, and now I kind of am.

still feeling good

I am having two cups of coffee today! I feel like I can do anything. 2 cups of coffee kind of equals a bump of crystal meth, right?

On Saturday Sus was talking about her hellish job downtown that pays 45/hr. She doesn't have time to go on facebook or shop online or anything! She has to work late every day to make deadlines. She can't even go out for drinks after work. All the people she works with are nerds who are really into money and manual transmission luxury cars and laughed at her for riding a bicycle. She said she would rather have my job, even though it's in Highland Park, does not pay much, the work is dorky, and the people are annoying, because I have tons of down time and I don't ever have to work late. I guess it kind of made me hate my job less. It is really fucking easy times over here. For some reason, lately there hasn't been much traffic on the way home, so that makes life a lot better. Too bad I have to listen to Borah flapping her mouth all the time. The worst part though, is being outside of the city. It makes me feel so much worse about life, being so far away from the things that I finally got and always wanted: people walking the streets, good food and stores, artists, crazies, gang members, homeless people, graffiti, noise of the train, rhythm, the feeling that you can always stumble into something really nuts and weird, liquor stores everywhere.Why won't you lay me off, BOB! Unemployment checks would be the bees' knees.

good mood!

Mark is coming home today! Whoop whoop! Return to regularly scheduled co-dependent patterns! Life has so much more meaning now.

What I SHOULD do with my life...

if i never had depression, i think i would have done a lot more things in life. but maybe depression is mostly laziness. it is painful to admit that i am really extremely pathetically lazy. i hate laziness in others, but i really don't get off on working hard. i like to take long breaks to reward myself for small amounts of work. i need to drink and eat and cuddle. but when i'm not working on anything with meaning there is nothing more sad. in addition, i have probably about 10 gray hairs on my head these days.

but laziness comes from procrastination, which is really just a sad manifestation of fear. there's also elements of disorganization and feeling lost, not sure where to put an effort; a tendency to complain instead of work; narcissistic thoughts and feelings and not being able to live up to the hype you've created for yourself silently in your head. how sad!

if i was a self actualized person:
• i would not have cat hair everywhere.
• i would write stories and put them in the zines i would make on a regular basis. i would get them out into the world. i would not be afraid to read my stories in public.
• i would make songs and play other things besides power chords on guitar.
• i would have a handsome personal website with all of my art projects.
• i would have a way better and cooler job than the one i have now, because my website would be an accurate representation of everything good that i am: creative, witty, kind of silly, humanistic, good taste. a company would feel lucky to have me.
• i would be happy and not afraid to be who i really am around people that are not close friends, would not have to cover up insecurities with false bravado when drunk, would not be afraid of people thinking i'm lame.

i am absolutely terrified at the direction my life is headed if i don't change something. i am not settling for the life i have now. i am not this! i promise you i am so much more. i'm getting too old for it to be cute anymore. this is how sarah feels a bit, i think. i wish i could afford to do something to feel like i was starting anew (like rehab or seeing a therapist (although it doesn't seem to work out for her much)). maybe i caught her mental illness from sleeping in her bed, because i was not this sad before i went to new york. or maybe new york just reminds you that you are really insignificant unless you are doing something big. [yeah. chicago makes everyone feel equal and shitty and part of the earth.]

i hate being alone. when mark is around i don't feel so sad. when he is gone i wonder how he can even love me.

Existential Despair

Wow. I HAVE BEEN FEELING SOME HARD existential depression lately. I even wikipedia'd it and found this link that pretty much describes my whole life, like crazy. Like the origin of my whole problems in everything pretty much. Wow.

Existential Despression in Gifted Individuals

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations.

Not to brag or anything, but I was kind of a gifted child. This article is so true. Nobody wanted to answer or discuss the questions I had about life at an early age and I thought EVER so much about serious things, like the existence of God, the hopeless conformity and emptiness of suburban life, and why most kids at school were complete shits. It was pretty much always impossible to be social like a normal kid, even when I wanted to, and then felt lonely and rejected and shit! Everything felt too pointless to even participate in! What's the POINT!! I wanted to date guys but they never liked me because I would always want to talk about heavy shit!!! Like my elementary understanding of existentialism!!! And I wasn't pretty enough to put up with that!!! I just wanted to be loved really hard!!! I had too many things I was (am) interested in to fully develop any area and focus on it, which makes life feel even more pointless because you don't have an ANCHOR or a distraction from the meaninglessness.

Mark does not like it when I express this kind of attitude. He already feels like this from time to time and hates it and for some reason he is more able to get out of it than I am. He does not dwell on it, and doesn't want to think about it. He will direct it outward and turn it into ANGER. He will have DRUNKEN TIRADES in public and not even be embarrassed about them in the morning. He will have a small slithery amount of regret. If I did what he did I would feel like a big pile of RAT TURDS in the morning. While I have quite a bit of anger, it mostly turns into anger at myself, which causes depression. He will be more angry at the world. His existential depression is not fully developed. LUCKY!!!! He will find meaning in making art, and occasionally I feel like it's pointless to even try. Somedays I forgot that it's pointless and feel very excited about life though, and then somedays I fall into this spiral of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR again and again and it really sucks. Shit. So I have been drinking a lot this week. POOR ME!!!!!

Working here makes life feel like absolute shit. I shouldn't dwell on it though! RIght?! I just have to make the time to do other stuff!!! just all part of the glamorous life of an ARTIST. Also, I used to get really high just being around Mark, but now things are different...I know it's normal and I love him and all, but the adrenalin rush days are over!!! I put so much energy into loving him. And now it's time to focus on myself again so I don't GO CRAZY!!!

I guess ONE THING i am really excited about is playing music and getting better at it, but I feel insecure about my abilities! I want it to be really awesome. Fear of failure and all that--SO DUMB. I need to write a song for practice tomorrow. But free PBRs tonight!! can't miss dat.

wanna get laid (off)

So far things have gone somewhat nicely with me in this recession. I'm employed full time with health insurance. I got a comfy reduction in hours (Fridays off!), though am living with 20% less money than I was with my already meager, underpaid salary. But I haven't really had to feel any of this loss in cash flow so far, because I put my loans on forbearance and got a new credit card!

But besides that, I think a really great thing would be for me to be laid off. I can't hate this job or have any less respect for it any more than I do now. And funemployment checks! For doing nothing?! I'd have time to get good at the guitar, make art, party every night, whatever! PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I have barely done any work at all at "work" this week. It's really slow. Please universe, arrange this, I'm so bored of facebook. Getting laid off would probably be the best thing that could ever happen to me right now.

One pet peeve i have is when people don't completely tear off the inner sealed film thingy that comes inside certain food containers. Like in sour cream. It ends up just falling inside the sour cream and when the sour cream separates, liquid pools on top of the plastic. I really don't like how the leaving it on is kind of some sort of effort to preserve freshness, because it makes no sense whatsoever, and is just stupid. This also happens a lot with Pringles. Just tear it off!

Another thing bothering me today is my relationship. We hardly have any time together, for serious. Even though we live together, very little of it is quality time. Plus, I have been out of town/busy the past few weekends, and I miss having weekends together. Then I get sick and the past couple nights I just passed out right after work. Nicole acts like it is ridiculous that I want to spend time with my boyfriend. So what, I canceled going to Cedar Point on Friday because Mark has two fun shows going on, one of which he is nervous about, and I want to be there for it. She rubs it in my face via g-chat: "because mark has a show" as if I shouldn't ever consider him in my plans. Oh well.

I kind of miss the beginning of our relationship where everything was exciting. Will that ever come back?? It kind of makes me sad. It's not like things are bad, but I'm not all excited and anxious about it anymore, which is good and bad. I feel more ready to focus on other things, but the "spark" is gone. I feel more confident in us, but am I too comfortable? I don't want to have sex all the time anymore. I enjoy my alone time, now that it is more rare. WTF. Sometimes I feel a very deep love and thankfulness and then sometimes I feel frustrated. It makes me feel weird. I feel a drifting apart. Maybe we just need some good time together. It's not like I'm interested in anybody else in the least bit!

GO TO HELL

NO, IT'S NOT "CRAZY" THAT THE BACHELORETTE PARTY YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT SINCE JANUARY IS FINALLY THIS WEEKEND. nor is it "CRAZY" that the Vegas trip you've been telling us all about for almost a whole year IS FINALLY NEXT MONTH ("can you believe it???"), ESPECIALLY since I planned a trip to vegas and actually went in one week during the time you were talking about what you would maybe wear nonstop ("I feel like I want to wear like sequins, since I'm going to Vegas, isn't that crazy?").

Also, asking, "Are you getting a salad?" when I already have a salad bowl in my hand and am filling it with lettuce…REALLY?!? I am filled with so much contempt it is making my body want to curl up into a fireball and explode myself in your cubicle.

OH, ALSO YOU LOST MAYBE 10 POUNDS–YOU DON'T NEED A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE JUST BECAUSE YOUR PANTS NO LONGER GIVE YOU A MUFFIN TOP.

Ugh, I feel better now?

ready to be an artist again!

I went to ARTROPOLIS this weekend. I feel like that should be really huge and said in a DEEP VOICE (like a monster truck rally announcer's).

ARTROPOLIS!

It was pretty fun and the line to get the free Grolsch moved rather quickly. I always find that going to art fairs is inspirational, in that you see a lot of stuff that is not very impressive, and think, well, I could make artwork at this level, at least, and probably better, so I better get to it. Oh yeah, also seeing innovative good art is inspiring too. Mostly I get mad at myself for not "taking art seriously". Or something. I'm not sure. I like art, I love art, but I'm not obsessed and I am not "career driven" or "business like". It would be fun to be involved in the hustle and bustle of an art fair. Although, it is also really fun to just be in the middle of it, and not responsible for anything–just an enjoyer who goes to the after parties, who doesn't have to wake up early to check tickets and point out the restrooms to patrons. We got to do that a lot! The "art world" is kind of annoying, but I guess it's ok; it's better than most industries, but you know, art is supposed to be so pure and not like an industry, whatever, we all need to make a living. Do galleries actually even make money? I originally meant this to be positive!

I end up thinking, I could or should be living a life where I am involved in this world, but for some reason I'm not. ? Laziness? Fear? Inability? i think a lot is lacking social skills and general disdain for most of the people in it?

Anyway, I feel ready and it is about time I take on a project. A new zine or new artist's book. I kind of want it to be a bigger project than usual, so I have something substantial. I want to get some work into galleries/more stores. Also on the internet. I am going to not be self defeating. If only I had some more time/energy...well, I have Fridays off to work on my new projects. ALSO, I am part of the only piece of art on the walls that sold at the exquisite corpse show. So yeah, I need to create more for my own sanity and happiness and fulfillment. I already knew this.

I got my whole new set of Rapidographs in the mail today, w00t. Also, ordered some Holbein watercolors to replace my cheap ones. Expensive watercolors are a must for that "pigment power"! (we saw this painter on tv and he kept going on and on about "pigment power" and how you must buy nice paints!)

organic food

At first, when I really learned what organic food was, when I started knowing people who cared about and bought organic food, when I first moved to Chicago (even though I had moved from the home base of Whole Foods), my opinion was that organic food sounded like a good and reasonable alternative, but was ultimately for rich people, and a bit ridiculous to spend the extra money on, when there were so many other necessities. Organic food buyers were hippies, hand wringing liberal yet yuppie parents with large incomes, yoga enthusiasts, Adbusters readers, you know, people who worried too much and carry a smug air of superiority. People who didn't have to buy the cheapest generic $.99 eggs from cages that are not vegetarian fed, but had the luxury to be concerned. But I guess I am sort of one of those people now, because I am worried!

WELL, I guess it's time to "eat crow"! (I remember I learned that phrase in middle school…it's a funny one) But no, I think I should be eating organic crow, if anything. There is this movie on Hulu that I've been wanting to watch, but also not wanting to watch, because I think it may cause me to get too worked up: it will fill me with rage and anxiety, I know it. And then I'll have horrible anxiety for the rest of the day and then I'll get too depressed to do anything except google more and more depressing facts about the food, and feel hopeless. Managing my mood is such a balancing act! But anyway, this intriguing movie is called The Future of Food. It already sounds scary!

Luckily I don't have to see this movie to know what it's about, because my more hippie-ish organic food fan friend already watched it and told me about it. I'm glad I didn't watch it. Because even telling me about it, she got really angry and frustrated and was almost screaming, and I don't blame her. Basically it is about the corporations that control most of America's food supply, and how the seed and herbicide industry is ruining everything to deepen their pockets. It's about genetically modified food, and how nobody even knows the long term effects it will have on our bodies, and how most other countries are not willing to sell out their citizens' health to private corporations, and do not even want to fuck with the stuff. Japan plans to just look at American kids in 10 years to see the effects. It's also about the 4 huge villainous corporations who are, duh, doing anything to get more money no matter the repercussions on public health or wellbeing. And of course, how the FDA is complacent in all of this, and how we are eating so much genetically modified food and it's not even required on the label, because they don't want people to wise up about it. Also, and I had heard this before, the corporations create these genetically modified plants, and then freaking patent them. Then, due to natural cross pollination, the seeds carry over to other crops on other farms. So if a small farmer accidentally gets some of this patented plant mixed in his crops, the big corporation can test for their patented genetics, and sue the pants off him for tons of money. And OMG judges are ruling for the corporations! It's really too insane to comprehend, except there's the money thing, and then it's just depressing. Oh, and another really horrible fact is that one or some of the corporations are trying to develop a plant with a suicide gene, so that it will only grow for one cycle, and then kill itself, thereby causing the farmers have to buy new seed every year. As one, uh, "guy" pointed out in the movie, can you imagine havoc the suicide plant would wreak if it was released and cross pollinated with the world's food supply?!

I knew our food was coming from sketchy sources, but these corporations are even more evil than I imagined. OH! And they put antibiotics in tons of food. I kind of knew that was true, but not to what extent and how much we are unaware of it. Hearing all these facts together really hurts. I mean, I feel like USA has really, personally hurt my feelings. I don't even consider myself naive to the horrible things our government does...I listen to NPR. But this is painful. It is affecting the health of the whole entire country, minus of course, the rich who can buy everything organic if they "choose" to, while most are left without a choice.

I really do not want to support this corruption. I don't want to feel like a complacent "part of the problem", so I think it is time I start seriously buying organic, not only when it is the same price as regular. I will have to make myself afford it. If more and more people demand organic and buy organic, the market will have to provide more organic, and it will be at a cheaper price. Organic food is already cheaper than it was years ago. So, the self-righteous "hippies" were right all along (about food at least, not the jam bands, sweaty hemp necklaces, dreadlocks on white people, and other crimes against humanity). I just need more alternatives to Whole Foods! Can't really pay $50 for 6 items…



Lookin' good!

not the worst day of my life

For once in my silly recent life, I don't feel like I'm dying physically or mentally! I think it is the beautiful weather. Life is coming back!

I still don't want to drink as much, but it is hard when everyone you hang with is a heavy drinker. This weekend I spent Saturday mostly in bed, feeling sick from Thursday and Friday nights. Strangely, drinking away problems is starting to lose its romantic allure to me. Unbelievable.

OMG maybe I really should move. It is not cool to be depressed Dec. - April.

Today I am wearing a t-shirt with my face on it. I have class tonight and for some reason am really excited about going to class and not wearing a coat. Like I'll be able to move more loosely, more freely, even though I always took my coat off in class in the winter. Does that make sense? I'm also excited to not wear snow boots to class, instead showing off my neon orange summer shoes. I kind of don't like Of Montreal, sometimes, for some reason it is like being sucked into a sort of hell, but I listened to them this morning and it really made me feel inspired!

this is my spot for bad feelings

doesn't it seem like almost everyone has some sort of mental problem? or a health problem that causes mental problems? i feel like i have some problems. i'm not sure if they're caused by my somewhat excessive drinking. that sounds like a dumb, no shit sherlock statement. they say alcohol and anxiety cause and exacerbate each other. i didn't used to have much anxiety, but now it's almost ruining my life. at night, i sometimes lie in bed worrying about death. i mean, what the fuck? i want to pretend that i don't do this, but i do, and it's really troubling. isn't that bad? yes, i think, something must really be wrong with me physically or mentally to be lying here unable to stop worrying…then the anxiety can escalate to a full blown panic attack. i probably should talk to a doctor about this. i feel lame to seek help, and also i can't afford to get therapy or be on meds, because of bob's insurance scam (ha, ha). lately i have been worrying a lot because i have a small lump in my breast that hurts, and it's by my armpit, so i am thinking it may be my lymph node, and i might have some disease. i also missed my ultrasound for it, so i have to wait another 2 weeks to see the dr. i'm trying not to think about it, but it hurts, so it keeps reminding me it's there. i can't afford this, financially or mentally. i am too young to die! i still have dreams!

i am wasting my life at my job, and that is what is really troubling me. i am not pursuing any dreams, really, because i don't know what they are, because i am so indecisive, and worn out from feeling angry and shitty at work all day. i have vague ideas about what i'd like to do, but am not sure if i am capable or "where i'm going to go with it". like, all i would like to do is make art, zines, writing, music, and have unlimited time to do this. but i don't have much time, and the time i do have seems so little that it is discouraging to see how i could "go anywhere" with what i'm doing. i feel unsure of how to spend my free time. i kind of feel like when you go to a really big bookstore, and you see a lot of things you want, but you keep passing them up, because you are in a really big bookstore, and you're overwhelmed, and you are expecting to like, find something amazing, so you miss what you want anyway, holding out for something that doesn't exist. you end up leaving empty handed and wasting the whole trip. wow, that is exactly my life.

well, i know the answer is not to lie in bed watching videos on the internet, and mark is always like, just do it. he is a nike spokesman. i made some litho prints i like in my class, and i felt good about myself. but now i feel like, so what? they are just sitting in my house. nobody is even really going to see them. oh my god this is such a ridiculous self defeating attitude, and i know it, and i can't stop it.

i don't even feel like talking about any of this, so i am feeling like a prisoner and the prison guard. i want to be productive and healthy and all of that. whenever i am upset mark gets really concerned and it makes him fall into a bad mood, and then he focuses all his energy on cheering me up, and it makes me feel guilty. i feel like i have barely progressed from where i was in college. but now, i have a pretty healthy loving relationship, which is exciting and good. i actually feel like i love life and want to live it, which is why i have anxiety...? does that make sense? i'm really worried something will go wrong, and fuck up, and i will lose what i have (i guess i am mainly talking about mark). i don't want to be depressed, and i can't be because we live together and he will see it and not like me anymore. so i guess that means i have a poor self image and feel i don't deserve the good thing that i have. ok, i think that is one big reason for my anxiety. i can't explain this to him when he asks me what is wrong without feeling like i'm a bad actress in a movie or 15 years old. i feel like i tried so hard to project an image of being secure and ready to do something with my life...and now i am becoming a loser. WOW, this is horrible. this is free therapy. i am working through these issues. i am totally figuring things out.

i wanted to get some work done today, because that makes me feel better. i watercolored some earlier, but once again, it feels a bit pointless. i scanned a watercolor i made a few months ago. i want to rearrange some furniture and clean up. i should go do it now. i have gotten out some of my bad feelings, and i can be normal now, for awhile. i need to give myself some tough love and work through it. i am pretty sure that is the answer, but sometimes it is really hard to make myself get up. why? before everybody was on SSRIs, weren't people just expected to suck it up and live their lives? is that good or bad? isn't that why most of our parents' parents were kind of bad parents? it seems like the stereotype for that generation, the whole 50's suburbia thing is suffering in silence, following roles, keeping up appearances, and that just caused them to be more crazy and frustrated, and treat their kids and spouses badly, and be prejudiced and think it's ok. now people are "smarter" and see therapists and take anti-d's, but that doesn't seem to really solve problems. is there more depression now than there used to be? i feel like the internet makes me depressed.

summary: problems i have right now: poor self image, alcoholism, anxiety, indecisiveness, co-dependence, laziness, lump in boob. stick a fork in me, i'm done!

Now I'm pretty sure I've gotten bit by a black widow, or maybe a lesser spider. It's definitely not a tick–I confirmed this after talking to Mark about it and internet researching it more. Two whole days have passed since the bite occurred, and it's still huge and red and swollen and hot. I guess I'm a little worried, but I don't think the doctor will really be able to do much, and it'll probably end up costing me a hundred bucks. Guess I'll go if my flesh starts deteriorating! Although, I think the worst of it is over.

I'm ready to start blogging/journaling again; Nicole reminded me of it when she QUOTED my old livejournal to me in Strack and Van Til's the other day. What a bitch! I went back and looked at it and it was something I furiously wrote in a fever of summer passion and sexual conquest. Whatever! BITCH! That night was weird and exciting. Anyways, now Nicole has a livejournal account which almost equals having an aol email address these days. heh ------ take that.

I need to take a picture of my bite today, while it's still at its peak. It's really huge. YIKES!

Today is gross, cold and rainy. I ate a small subpar salad for lunch and am going to be real hungry before I leave. I also haven't done any work today!

unable to sleep

Caffeine really overstimulates me. I can't drink it after 4pm, and guess what I did today. I really wanted a store bought starbucks frapucino...for some reason. I haven't had one in a really long time, because they're all milky and fattening and a waste of calories, and well, kind of gross. But I was really craving something with that corporate flavor this afternoon. And now I am paying for it!!!

I'm in bed and there is some shitty comedy show on tv. Hehe, the comedian is standing in front of a brick wall! His is the type of comedy that involves contorted facial expressions, flailing, and the type of "voices" that make you feel embarrassed for the performer. He looks like an Italian Carrot Top (before he was buff). Mark is snoring. Now he stopped snoring, I think he halfway woke up from the noise of my typing. At night I am afraid to be in other parts of the house alone. I don't know, it feels too open. So I am sitting here typing about him on the internet and he has no idea. Strange!

Last night I got a weird bug bite, I believe,  on the back of my thigh from sitting on a chair outside in the dark. It's still red and swollen, but not really itchy. So tonight I had to spend some time googling brown recluse spider bites, and I'm pretty sure I do not have one.  But now I am worried it might have been a tick. Are there ticks in the city in the cold? Do they hang out on chairs? I am such a hypochondriac these days and it's absolutely horrible. I guess I don't have any bad symptoms. waaaaaaah. Why am I so worried about everything?

Oh, I have short hair again, and I think I have dandruff. I got a new bike today, a road bike/cruiser hybrid and haven't been able to ride it around yet. Ok I am going to lie down now.