recalling weird memories about mom

You know how when you are a kid, it seems like your life's mission is to just figure stuff out? Like bad words: you want to learn and collect them all! Each bad word you learn is like a precious gem to add to your collection. And then sometimes you would overhear your parents talking in a low voice about adult things, using words you've never heard before, and they're angry about it, and you just have to know the whole story. Then you ask mom and she says something like "Nevermind. NOTHING. STOP IT. STOP ASKING ME." Or one of the best lines, because it meant it probably had to do with sex, was: "I'll tell you when you're older." To which I would say, "How old?! Why are you making me wait?! I'm old enough! You never tell me anything!!!" I remember trying to make a mental note of each time she used that line, so I could pull it out at a later date and demand an explanation. But as I got older I learned this would not be necessary. I know (and knew) more about most of those unsavory life things then my mom ever will.

I saw something today that reminded me of a moral outburst from my mom. Now I'm sitting here trying to remember all the weird prudish things she said...and there were a lot! And they're all so weird! It's totally my mom's fault that I always want to be so incredibly open to the point of oversharing about sex and that I'm really into reading about and discussing all aspects of sex, because she was not in the least. My future kids are in for a treat!

• First, I remembered this one time, when I was around 9 years old, we were at the mall and my mom said to her friend, "I can't believe they do that. That is disgusting!" Annoying curious child me was like, "What are you talking about?" and she goes, "Back there. The mannequins have nipples. They don't need to do that. They don't need to put nipples on mannequins." And she said it in this totally disgusted, morally outraged voice. They were these all black busts at Victoria's Secret! Just like Barbie dolls with peas on their breasts. Dear god.
• In the car one day, she suddenly said (in the same low, morally outraged voice), "Change the channel. This is dirty. She is so disgusting." "Why?" I asked. "She is just bad and dirty. I won't support her music." It was a Madonna song!
• She was talking to my babysitter about herself being naive as a teenager. She said, "At my first job, these guys were showing pictures of our co-worker George. And I was like, 'I wanna see them!' And I looked at them [in lowered hushed voice] and he was in [mouthed, not even spoken] DRAG. I had no idea what that even was!" I was standing there at full attention, straining my ears. "What? What were the pictures? I don't get it!" I made a mental note to figure out what the other meaning of "drag" was.
• She was really angry because this one family at our church were vocal democrats, and they wore Clinton/Gore buttons to church. "I can't believe she gives out communion with that on!" "Why?" I asked. "Clinton supports abortion. It's wrong. I can't believe they have the nerve to wear that to church." (again in low, outraged, disgusted voice)

I can't remember anymore right now, but hopefully I will recall some more good ones to add to this list later. So glad I can look back at this with a sense of humor as an adult now and not get really angry. She would use the ridiculous morally outraged voice on me all the time in high school and hearing it made me want to jump out of my skin!!

feeling pensive in my cubicle....sounds like a college essay

We were gathering clothes to do laundry this weekend. "I don't want to wear your old boyfriend's shirt," my new boyfriend said when he picked up a shirt in his pile. Actually, he is not a new boyfriend. He has been my boyfriend for 4 years, about 1/6 of my life so far, and in that small pie slice of years he has become the center of the universe. At some point he stopped being just some guy I was seeing to someone with whom I could reasonable revolve my plans around. From a crush to someone who I know what eats for dinner every night. He is my home. How long does it take for that to happen? Some people get married after knowing each other less than a year. That seems really silly. It seemed silly back then to think that he would become my main person, love, best friend, and family, kind of, because of how silly it seemed in the first place. Like when I was drunk and crying on the sidewalk because I was in love with him.

I wouldn't want to wear his ex's shirt either. Although it wasn't his shirt, which I pointed out, because he never wore it. He gave it to me and I cut and sewed it down to a perfect size. It's stupid, because even though it has his band name on it, I still want to be able to wear it freely since it has a huge glow in the dark spider web (and fits perfectly) and not have it relate it to the ex at all, which is kind of impossible. Anyway, maybe it's because I'm kind of immature or young or something, but it is so incredibly weird to think of your significant other with another significant other. Why do I unreasonably kind of hate everyone Mark has dated in the past? I guess it's not too weird, since they could almost be considered "competition" or "threatening". I can't imagine what they would do together; I can't imagine how he could possibly have loved anyone besides me. I wonder if he feels like that about me. They must have been really stupid together, done really stupid gross things. I wonder what facets of his personality were drawn out.

If I was still with the ex on the t-shirt, I would probably be more depressed and more wussy, because he wasn't into being reckless or wild, really, and he didn't drink. When I don't drink, I don't do many bold things. I'd probably be really frustrated, because the sex was bad. I'd also be frustrated because he would say stupid annoying things like, "That is the definition of irony!" and be completely wrong (true story). Of course now that relationship sounds completely horrible. I think I mistook his stupidity for some kind of purity. Hindsight is 20/20, har har. At least I never got to the point where he became like a partner instead of just a boyfriend, or to a point where it would have not been completely ridiculous to change any of my life plans for him. But I still felt like I was in love at the time. And, love is blind, har har. I am pretty much filled with nothing but contempt for everyone I've dated in the past.

Now I don't ever picture breaking up with Mark, but if we did, I would not have contempt for him. I'm sure it's not just the lens I'm seeing it through, but it's because this is a different relationship than any other one I experienced. It's the only real adult relationship I've ever had. Even though when we are alone together we mostly act like retarded children. I feel secure and loved and held by the universe. And love can be terrifying sometimes. I never was afraid of death before, and now I kind of am.

still feeling good

I am having two cups of coffee today! I feel like I can do anything. 2 cups of coffee kind of equals a bump of crystal meth, right?

On Saturday Sus was talking about her hellish job downtown that pays 45/hr. She doesn't have time to go on facebook or shop online or anything! She has to work late every day to make deadlines. She can't even go out for drinks after work. All the people she works with are nerds who are really into money and manual transmission luxury cars and laughed at her for riding a bicycle. She said she would rather have my job, even though it's in Highland Park, does not pay much, the work is dorky, and the people are annoying, because I have tons of down time and I don't ever have to work late. I guess it kind of made me hate my job less. It is really fucking easy times over here. For some reason, lately there hasn't been much traffic on the way home, so that makes life a lot better. Too bad I have to listen to Borah flapping her mouth all the time. The worst part though, is being outside of the city. It makes me feel so much worse about life, being so far away from the things that I finally got and always wanted: people walking the streets, good food and stores, artists, crazies, gang members, homeless people, graffiti, noise of the train, rhythm, the feeling that you can always stumble into something really nuts and weird, liquor stores everywhere.Why won't you lay me off, BOB! Unemployment checks would be the bees' knees.

good mood!

Mark is coming home today! Whoop whoop! Return to regularly scheduled co-dependent patterns! Life has so much more meaning now.

What I SHOULD do with my life...

if i never had depression, i think i would have done a lot more things in life. but maybe depression is mostly laziness. it is painful to admit that i am really extremely pathetically lazy. i hate laziness in others, but i really don't get off on working hard. i like to take long breaks to reward myself for small amounts of work. i need to drink and eat and cuddle. but when i'm not working on anything with meaning there is nothing more sad. in addition, i have probably about 10 gray hairs on my head these days.

but laziness comes from procrastination, which is really just a sad manifestation of fear. there's also elements of disorganization and feeling lost, not sure where to put an effort; a tendency to complain instead of work; narcissistic thoughts and feelings and not being able to live up to the hype you've created for yourself silently in your head. how sad!

if i was a self actualized person:
• i would not have cat hair everywhere.
• i would write stories and put them in the zines i would make on a regular basis. i would get them out into the world. i would not be afraid to read my stories in public.
• i would make songs and play other things besides power chords on guitar.
• i would have a handsome personal website with all of my art projects.
• i would have a way better and cooler job than the one i have now, because my website would be an accurate representation of everything good that i am: creative, witty, kind of silly, humanistic, good taste. a company would feel lucky to have me.
• i would be happy and not afraid to be who i really am around people that are not close friends, would not have to cover up insecurities with false bravado when drunk, would not be afraid of people thinking i'm lame.

i am absolutely terrified at the direction my life is headed if i don't change something. i am not settling for the life i have now. i am not this! i promise you i am so much more. i'm getting too old for it to be cute anymore. this is how sarah feels a bit, i think. i wish i could afford to do something to feel like i was starting anew (like rehab or seeing a therapist (although it doesn't seem to work out for her much)). maybe i caught her mental illness from sleeping in her bed, because i was not this sad before i went to new york. or maybe new york just reminds you that you are really insignificant unless you are doing something big. [yeah. chicago makes everyone feel equal and shitty and part of the earth.]

i hate being alone. when mark is around i don't feel so sad. when he is gone i wonder how he can even love me.

Existential Despair

Wow. I HAVE BEEN FEELING SOME HARD existential depression lately. I even wikipedia'd it and found this link that pretty much describes my whole life, like crazy. Like the origin of my whole problems in everything pretty much. Wow.

Existential Despression in Gifted Individuals

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations.

Not to brag or anything, but I was kind of a gifted child. This article is so true. Nobody wanted to answer or discuss the questions I had about life at an early age and I thought EVER so much about serious things, like the existence of God, the hopeless conformity and emptiness of suburban life, and why most kids at school were complete shits. It was pretty much always impossible to be social like a normal kid, even when I wanted to, and then felt lonely and rejected and shit! Everything felt too pointless to even participate in! What's the POINT!! I wanted to date guys but they never liked me because I would always want to talk about heavy shit!!! Like my elementary understanding of existentialism!!! And I wasn't pretty enough to put up with that!!! I just wanted to be loved really hard!!! I had too many things I was (am) interested in to fully develop any area and focus on it, which makes life feel even more pointless because you don't have an ANCHOR or a distraction from the meaninglessness.

Mark does not like it when I express this kind of attitude. He already feels like this from time to time and hates it and for some reason he is more able to get out of it than I am. He does not dwell on it, and doesn't want to think about it. He will direct it outward and turn it into ANGER. He will have DRUNKEN TIRADES in public and not even be embarrassed about them in the morning. He will have a small slithery amount of regret. If I did what he did I would feel like a big pile of RAT TURDS in the morning. While I have quite a bit of anger, it mostly turns into anger at myself, which causes depression. He will be more angry at the world. His existential depression is not fully developed. LUCKY!!!! He will find meaning in making art, and occasionally I feel like it's pointless to even try. Somedays I forgot that it's pointless and feel very excited about life though, and then somedays I fall into this spiral of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR again and again and it really sucks. Shit. So I have been drinking a lot this week. POOR ME!!!!!

Working here makes life feel like absolute shit. I shouldn't dwell on it though! RIght?! I just have to make the time to do other stuff!!! just all part of the glamorous life of an ARTIST. Also, I used to get really high just being around Mark, but now things are different...I know it's normal and I love him and all, but the adrenalin rush days are over!!! I put so much energy into loving him. And now it's time to focus on myself again so I don't GO CRAZY!!!

I guess ONE THING i am really excited about is playing music and getting better at it, but I feel insecure about my abilities! I want it to be really awesome. Fear of failure and all that--SO DUMB. I need to write a song for practice tomorrow. But free PBRs tonight!! can't miss dat.

wanna get laid (off)

So far things have gone somewhat nicely with me in this recession. I'm employed full time with health insurance. I got a comfy reduction in hours (Fridays off!), though am living with 20% less money than I was with my already meager, underpaid salary. But I haven't really had to feel any of this loss in cash flow so far, because I put my loans on forbearance and got a new credit card!

But besides that, I think a really great thing would be for me to be laid off. I can't hate this job or have any less respect for it any more than I do now. And funemployment checks! For doing nothing?! I'd have time to get good at the guitar, make art, party every night, whatever! PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I have barely done any work at all at "work" this week. It's really slow. Please universe, arrange this, I'm so bored of facebook. Getting laid off would probably be the best thing that could ever happen to me right now.