this is my spot for bad feelings

doesn't it seem like almost everyone has some sort of mental problem? or a health problem that causes mental problems? i feel like i have some problems. i'm not sure if they're caused by my somewhat excessive drinking. that sounds like a dumb, no shit sherlock statement. they say alcohol and anxiety cause and exacerbate each other. i didn't used to have much anxiety, but now it's almost ruining my life. at night, i sometimes lie in bed worrying about death. i mean, what the fuck? i want to pretend that i don't do this, but i do, and it's really troubling. isn't that bad? yes, i think, something must really be wrong with me physically or mentally to be lying here unable to stop worrying…then the anxiety can escalate to a full blown panic attack. i probably should talk to a doctor about this. i feel lame to seek help, and also i can't afford to get therapy or be on meds, because of bob's insurance scam (ha, ha). lately i have been worrying a lot because i have a small lump in my breast that hurts, and it's by my armpit, so i am thinking it may be my lymph node, and i might have some disease. i also missed my ultrasound for it, so i have to wait another 2 weeks to see the dr. i'm trying not to think about it, but it hurts, so it keeps reminding me it's there. i can't afford this, financially or mentally. i am too young to die! i still have dreams!

i am wasting my life at my job, and that is what is really troubling me. i am not pursuing any dreams, really, because i don't know what they are, because i am so indecisive, and worn out from feeling angry and shitty at work all day. i have vague ideas about what i'd like to do, but am not sure if i am capable or "where i'm going to go with it". like, all i would like to do is make art, zines, writing, music, and have unlimited time to do this. but i don't have much time, and the time i do have seems so little that it is discouraging to see how i could "go anywhere" with what i'm doing. i feel unsure of how to spend my free time. i kind of feel like when you go to a really big bookstore, and you see a lot of things you want, but you keep passing them up, because you are in a really big bookstore, and you're overwhelmed, and you are expecting to like, find something amazing, so you miss what you want anyway, holding out for something that doesn't exist. you end up leaving empty handed and wasting the whole trip. wow, that is exactly my life.

well, i know the answer is not to lie in bed watching videos on the internet, and mark is always like, just do it. he is a nike spokesman. i made some litho prints i like in my class, and i felt good about myself. but now i feel like, so what? they are just sitting in my house. nobody is even really going to see them. oh my god this is such a ridiculous self defeating attitude, and i know it, and i can't stop it.

i don't even feel like talking about any of this, so i am feeling like a prisoner and the prison guard. i want to be productive and healthy and all of that. whenever i am upset mark gets really concerned and it makes him fall into a bad mood, and then he focuses all his energy on cheering me up, and it makes me feel guilty. i feel like i have barely progressed from where i was in college. but now, i have a pretty healthy loving relationship, which is exciting and good. i actually feel like i love life and want to live it, which is why i have anxiety...? does that make sense? i'm really worried something will go wrong, and fuck up, and i will lose what i have (i guess i am mainly talking about mark). i don't want to be depressed, and i can't be because we live together and he will see it and not like me anymore. so i guess that means i have a poor self image and feel i don't deserve the good thing that i have. ok, i think that is one big reason for my anxiety. i can't explain this to him when he asks me what is wrong without feeling like i'm a bad actress in a movie or 15 years old. i feel like i tried so hard to project an image of being secure and ready to do something with my life...and now i am becoming a loser. WOW, this is horrible. this is free therapy. i am working through these issues. i am totally figuring things out.

i wanted to get some work done today, because that makes me feel better. i watercolored some earlier, but once again, it feels a bit pointless. i scanned a watercolor i made a few months ago. i want to rearrange some furniture and clean up. i should go do it now. i have gotten out some of my bad feelings, and i can be normal now, for awhile. i need to give myself some tough love and work through it. i am pretty sure that is the answer, but sometimes it is really hard to make myself get up. why? before everybody was on SSRIs, weren't people just expected to suck it up and live their lives? is that good or bad? isn't that why most of our parents' parents were kind of bad parents? it seems like the stereotype for that generation, the whole 50's suburbia thing is suffering in silence, following roles, keeping up appearances, and that just caused them to be more crazy and frustrated, and treat their kids and spouses badly, and be prejudiced and think it's ok. now people are "smarter" and see therapists and take anti-d's, but that doesn't seem to really solve problems. is there more depression now than there used to be? i feel like the internet makes me depressed.

summary: problems i have right now: poor self image, alcoholism, anxiety, indecisiveness, co-dependence, laziness, lump in boob. stick a fork in me, i'm done!