organic food

At first, when I really learned what organic food was, when I started knowing people who cared about and bought organic food, when I first moved to Chicago (even though I had moved from the home base of Whole Foods), my opinion was that organic food sounded like a good and reasonable alternative, but was ultimately for rich people, and a bit ridiculous to spend the extra money on, when there were so many other necessities. Organic food buyers were hippies, hand wringing liberal yet yuppie parents with large incomes, yoga enthusiasts, Adbusters readers, you know, people who worried too much and carry a smug air of superiority. People who didn't have to buy the cheapest generic $.99 eggs from cages that are not vegetarian fed, but had the luxury to be concerned. But I guess I am sort of one of those people now, because I am worried!

WELL, I guess it's time to "eat crow"! (I remember I learned that phrase in middle school…it's a funny one) But no, I think I should be eating organic crow, if anything. There is this movie on Hulu that I've been wanting to watch, but also not wanting to watch, because I think it may cause me to get too worked up: it will fill me with rage and anxiety, I know it. And then I'll have horrible anxiety for the rest of the day and then I'll get too depressed to do anything except google more and more depressing facts about the food, and feel hopeless. Managing my mood is such a balancing act! But anyway, this intriguing movie is called The Future of Food. It already sounds scary!

Luckily I don't have to see this movie to know what it's about, because my more hippie-ish organic food fan friend already watched it and told me about it. I'm glad I didn't watch it. Because even telling me about it, she got really angry and frustrated and was almost screaming, and I don't blame her. Basically it is about the corporations that control most of America's food supply, and how the seed and herbicide industry is ruining everything to deepen their pockets. It's about genetically modified food, and how nobody even knows the long term effects it will have on our bodies, and how most other countries are not willing to sell out their citizens' health to private corporations, and do not even want to fuck with the stuff. Japan plans to just look at American kids in 10 years to see the effects. It's also about the 4 huge villainous corporations who are, duh, doing anything to get more money no matter the repercussions on public health or wellbeing. And of course, how the FDA is complacent in all of this, and how we are eating so much genetically modified food and it's not even required on the label, because they don't want people to wise up about it. Also, and I had heard this before, the corporations create these genetically modified plants, and then freaking patent them. Then, due to natural cross pollination, the seeds carry over to other crops on other farms. So if a small farmer accidentally gets some of this patented plant mixed in his crops, the big corporation can test for their patented genetics, and sue the pants off him for tons of money. And OMG judges are ruling for the corporations! It's really too insane to comprehend, except there's the money thing, and then it's just depressing. Oh, and another really horrible fact is that one or some of the corporations are trying to develop a plant with a suicide gene, so that it will only grow for one cycle, and then kill itself, thereby causing the farmers have to buy new seed every year. As one, uh, "guy" pointed out in the movie, can you imagine havoc the suicide plant would wreak if it was released and cross pollinated with the world's food supply?!

I knew our food was coming from sketchy sources, but these corporations are even more evil than I imagined. OH! And they put antibiotics in tons of food. I kind of knew that was true, but not to what extent and how much we are unaware of it. Hearing all these facts together really hurts. I mean, I feel like USA has really, personally hurt my feelings. I don't even consider myself naive to the horrible things our government does...I listen to NPR. But this is painful. It is affecting the health of the whole entire country, minus of course, the rich who can buy everything organic if they "choose" to, while most are left without a choice.

I really do not want to support this corruption. I don't want to feel like a complacent "part of the problem", so I think it is time I start seriously buying organic, not only when it is the same price as regular. I will have to make myself afford it. If more and more people demand organic and buy organic, the market will have to provide more organic, and it will be at a cheaper price. Organic food is already cheaper than it was years ago. So, the self-righteous "hippies" were right all along (about food at least, not the jam bands, sweaty hemp necklaces, dreadlocks on white people, and other crimes against humanity). I just need more alternatives to Whole Foods! Can't really pay $50 for 6 items…



Lookin' good!

not the worst day of my life

For once in my silly recent life, I don't feel like I'm dying physically or mentally! I think it is the beautiful weather. Life is coming back!

I still don't want to drink as much, but it is hard when everyone you hang with is a heavy drinker. This weekend I spent Saturday mostly in bed, feeling sick from Thursday and Friday nights. Strangely, drinking away problems is starting to lose its romantic allure to me. Unbelievable.

OMG maybe I really should move. It is not cool to be depressed Dec. - April.

Today I am wearing a t-shirt with my face on it. I have class tonight and for some reason am really excited about going to class and not wearing a coat. Like I'll be able to move more loosely, more freely, even though I always took my coat off in class in the winter. Does that make sense? I'm also excited to not wear snow boots to class, instead showing off my neon orange summer shoes. I kind of don't like Of Montreal, sometimes, for some reason it is like being sucked into a sort of hell, but I listened to them this morning and it really made me feel inspired!

this is my spot for bad feelings

doesn't it seem like almost everyone has some sort of mental problem? or a health problem that causes mental problems? i feel like i have some problems. i'm not sure if they're caused by my somewhat excessive drinking. that sounds like a dumb, no shit sherlock statement. they say alcohol and anxiety cause and exacerbate each other. i didn't used to have much anxiety, but now it's almost ruining my life. at night, i sometimes lie in bed worrying about death. i mean, what the fuck? i want to pretend that i don't do this, but i do, and it's really troubling. isn't that bad? yes, i think, something must really be wrong with me physically or mentally to be lying here unable to stop worrying…then the anxiety can escalate to a full blown panic attack. i probably should talk to a doctor about this. i feel lame to seek help, and also i can't afford to get therapy or be on meds, because of bob's insurance scam (ha, ha). lately i have been worrying a lot because i have a small lump in my breast that hurts, and it's by my armpit, so i am thinking it may be my lymph node, and i might have some disease. i also missed my ultrasound for it, so i have to wait another 2 weeks to see the dr. i'm trying not to think about it, but it hurts, so it keeps reminding me it's there. i can't afford this, financially or mentally. i am too young to die! i still have dreams!

i am wasting my life at my job, and that is what is really troubling me. i am not pursuing any dreams, really, because i don't know what they are, because i am so indecisive, and worn out from feeling angry and shitty at work all day. i have vague ideas about what i'd like to do, but am not sure if i am capable or "where i'm going to go with it". like, all i would like to do is make art, zines, writing, music, and have unlimited time to do this. but i don't have much time, and the time i do have seems so little that it is discouraging to see how i could "go anywhere" with what i'm doing. i feel unsure of how to spend my free time. i kind of feel like when you go to a really big bookstore, and you see a lot of things you want, but you keep passing them up, because you are in a really big bookstore, and you're overwhelmed, and you are expecting to like, find something amazing, so you miss what you want anyway, holding out for something that doesn't exist. you end up leaving empty handed and wasting the whole trip. wow, that is exactly my life.

well, i know the answer is not to lie in bed watching videos on the internet, and mark is always like, just do it. he is a nike spokesman. i made some litho prints i like in my class, and i felt good about myself. but now i feel like, so what? they are just sitting in my house. nobody is even really going to see them. oh my god this is such a ridiculous self defeating attitude, and i know it, and i can't stop it.

i don't even feel like talking about any of this, so i am feeling like a prisoner and the prison guard. i want to be productive and healthy and all of that. whenever i am upset mark gets really concerned and it makes him fall into a bad mood, and then he focuses all his energy on cheering me up, and it makes me feel guilty. i feel like i have barely progressed from where i was in college. but now, i have a pretty healthy loving relationship, which is exciting and good. i actually feel like i love life and want to live it, which is why i have anxiety...? does that make sense? i'm really worried something will go wrong, and fuck up, and i will lose what i have (i guess i am mainly talking about mark). i don't want to be depressed, and i can't be because we live together and he will see it and not like me anymore. so i guess that means i have a poor self image and feel i don't deserve the good thing that i have. ok, i think that is one big reason for my anxiety. i can't explain this to him when he asks me what is wrong without feeling like i'm a bad actress in a movie or 15 years old. i feel like i tried so hard to project an image of being secure and ready to do something with my life...and now i am becoming a loser. WOW, this is horrible. this is free therapy. i am working through these issues. i am totally figuring things out.

i wanted to get some work done today, because that makes me feel better. i watercolored some earlier, but once again, it feels a bit pointless. i scanned a watercolor i made a few months ago. i want to rearrange some furniture and clean up. i should go do it now. i have gotten out some of my bad feelings, and i can be normal now, for awhile. i need to give myself some tough love and work through it. i am pretty sure that is the answer, but sometimes it is really hard to make myself get up. why? before everybody was on SSRIs, weren't people just expected to suck it up and live their lives? is that good or bad? isn't that why most of our parents' parents were kind of bad parents? it seems like the stereotype for that generation, the whole 50's suburbia thing is suffering in silence, following roles, keeping up appearances, and that just caused them to be more crazy and frustrated, and treat their kids and spouses badly, and be prejudiced and think it's ok. now people are "smarter" and see therapists and take anti-d's, but that doesn't seem to really solve problems. is there more depression now than there used to be? i feel like the internet makes me depressed.

summary: problems i have right now: poor self image, alcoholism, anxiety, indecisiveness, co-dependence, laziness, lump in boob. stick a fork in me, i'm done!

Now I'm pretty sure I've gotten bit by a black widow, or maybe a lesser spider. It's definitely not a tick–I confirmed this after talking to Mark about it and internet researching it more. Two whole days have passed since the bite occurred, and it's still huge and red and swollen and hot. I guess I'm a little worried, but I don't think the doctor will really be able to do much, and it'll probably end up costing me a hundred bucks. Guess I'll go if my flesh starts deteriorating! Although, I think the worst of it is over.

I'm ready to start blogging/journaling again; Nicole reminded me of it when she QUOTED my old livejournal to me in Strack and Van Til's the other day. What a bitch! I went back and looked at it and it was something I furiously wrote in a fever of summer passion and sexual conquest. Whatever! BITCH! That night was weird and exciting. Anyways, now Nicole has a livejournal account which almost equals having an aol email address these days. heh ------ take that.

I need to take a picture of my bite today, while it's still at its peak. It's really huge. YIKES!

Today is gross, cold and rainy. I ate a small subpar salad for lunch and am going to be real hungry before I leave. I also haven't done any work today!

unable to sleep

Caffeine really overstimulates me. I can't drink it after 4pm, and guess what I did today. I really wanted a store bought starbucks frapucino...for some reason. I haven't had one in a really long time, because they're all milky and fattening and a waste of calories, and well, kind of gross. But I was really craving something with that corporate flavor this afternoon. And now I am paying for it!!!

I'm in bed and there is some shitty comedy show on tv. Hehe, the comedian is standing in front of a brick wall! His is the type of comedy that involves contorted facial expressions, flailing, and the type of "voices" that make you feel embarrassed for the performer. He looks like an Italian Carrot Top (before he was buff). Mark is snoring. Now he stopped snoring, I think he halfway woke up from the noise of my typing. At night I am afraid to be in other parts of the house alone. I don't know, it feels too open. So I am sitting here typing about him on the internet and he has no idea. Strange!

Last night I got a weird bug bite, I believe,  on the back of my thigh from sitting on a chair outside in the dark. It's still red and swollen, but not really itchy. So tonight I had to spend some time googling brown recluse spider bites, and I'm pretty sure I do not have one.  But now I am worried it might have been a tick. Are there ticks in the city in the cold? Do they hang out on chairs? I am such a hypochondriac these days and it's absolutely horrible. I guess I don't have any bad symptoms. waaaaaaah. Why am I so worried about everything?

Oh, I have short hair again, and I think I have dandruff. I got a new bike today, a road bike/cruiser hybrid and haven't been able to ride it around yet. Ok I am going to lie down now.