Existential Despression in Gifted Individuals
Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?
When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations.
Not to brag or anything, but I was kind of a gifted child. This article is so true. Nobody wanted to answer or discuss the questions I had about life at an early age and I thought EVER so much about serious things, like the existence of God, the hopeless conformity and emptiness of suburban life, and why most kids at school were complete shits. It was pretty much always impossible to be social like a normal kid, even when I wanted to, and then felt lonely and rejected and shit! Everything felt too pointless to even participate in! What's the POINT!! I wanted to date guys but they never liked me because I would always want to talk about heavy shit!!! Like my elementary understanding of existentialism!!! And I wasn't pretty enough to put up with that!!! I just wanted to be loved really hard!!! I had too many things I was (am) interested in to fully develop any area and focus on it, which makes life feel even more pointless because you don't have an ANCHOR or a distraction from the meaninglessness.
Mark does not like it when I express this kind of attitude. He already feels like this from time to time and hates it and for some reason he is more able to get out of it than I am. He does not dwell on it, and doesn't want to think about it. He will direct it outward and turn it into ANGER. He will have DRUNKEN TIRADES in public and not even be embarrassed about them in the morning. He will have a small slithery amount of regret. If I did what he did I would feel like a big pile of RAT TURDS in the morning. While I have quite a bit of anger, it mostly turns into anger at myself, which causes depression. He will be more angry at the world. His existential depression is not fully developed. LUCKY!!!! He will find meaning in making art, and occasionally I feel like it's pointless to even try. Somedays I forgot that it's pointless and feel very excited about life though, and then somedays I fall into this spiral of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR again and again and it really sucks. Shit. So I have been drinking a lot this week. POOR ME!!!!!
Working here makes life feel like absolute shit. I shouldn't dwell on it though! RIght?! I just have to make the time to do other stuff!!! just all part of the glamorous life of an ARTIST. Also, I used to get really high just being around Mark, but now things are different...I know it's normal and I love him and all, but the adrenalin rush days are over!!! I put so much energy into loving him. And now it's time to focus on myself again so I don't GO CRAZY!!!
I guess ONE THING i am really excited about is playing music and getting better at it, but I feel insecure about my abilities! I want it to be really awesome. Fear of failure and all that--SO DUMB. I need to write a song for practice tomorrow. But free PBRs tonight!! can't miss dat.
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