Monday, August 24, 2009
good mood!
Mark is coming home today! Whoop whoop! Return to regularly scheduled co-dependent patterns! Life has so much more meaning now.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
What I SHOULD do with my life...
if i never had depression, i think i would have done a lot more things in life. but maybe depression is mostly laziness. it is painful to admit that i am really extremely pathetically lazy. i hate laziness in others, but i really don't get off on working hard. i like to take long breaks to reward myself for small amounts of work. i need to drink and eat and cuddle. but when i'm not working on anything with meaning there is nothing more sad. in addition, i have probably about 10 gray hairs on my head these days.
but laziness comes from procrastination, which is really just a sad manifestation of fear. there's also elements of disorganization and feeling lost, not sure where to put an effort; a tendency to complain instead of work; narcissistic thoughts and feelings and not being able to live up to the hype you've created for yourself silently in your head. how sad!
if i was a self actualized person:
• i would not have cat hair everywhere.
• i would write stories and put them in the zines i would make on a regular basis. i would get them out into the world. i would not be afraid to read my stories in public.
• i would make songs and play other things besides power chords on guitar.
• i would have a handsome personal website with all of my art projects.
• i would have a way better and cooler job than the one i have now, because my website would be an accurate representation of everything good that i am: creative, witty, kind of silly, humanistic, good taste. a company would feel lucky to have me.
• i would be happy and not afraid to be who i really am around people that are not close friends, would not have to cover up insecurities with false bravado when drunk, would not be afraid of people thinking i'm lame.
i am absolutely terrified at the direction my life is headed if i don't change something. i am not settling for the life i have now. i am not this! i promise you i am so much more. i'm getting too old for it to be cute anymore. this is how sarah feels a bit, i think. i wish i could afford to do something to feel like i was starting anew (like rehab or seeing a therapist (although it doesn't seem to work out for her much)). maybe i caught her mental illness from sleeping in her bed, because i was not this sad before i went to new york. or maybe new york just reminds you that you are really insignificant unless you are doing something big. [yeah. chicago makes everyone feel equal and shitty and part of the earth.]
i hate being alone. when mark is around i don't feel so sad. when he is gone i wonder how he can even love me.
but laziness comes from procrastination, which is really just a sad manifestation of fear. there's also elements of disorganization and feeling lost, not sure where to put an effort; a tendency to complain instead of work; narcissistic thoughts and feelings and not being able to live up to the hype you've created for yourself silently in your head. how sad!
if i was a self actualized person:
• i would not have cat hair everywhere.
• i would write stories and put them in the zines i would make on a regular basis. i would get them out into the world. i would not be afraid to read my stories in public.
• i would make songs and play other things besides power chords on guitar.
• i would have a handsome personal website with all of my art projects.
• i would have a way better and cooler job than the one i have now, because my website would be an accurate representation of everything good that i am: creative, witty, kind of silly, humanistic, good taste. a company would feel lucky to have me.
• i would be happy and not afraid to be who i really am around people that are not close friends, would not have to cover up insecurities with false bravado when drunk, would not be afraid of people thinking i'm lame.
i am absolutely terrified at the direction my life is headed if i don't change something. i am not settling for the life i have now. i am not this! i promise you i am so much more. i'm getting too old for it to be cute anymore. this is how sarah feels a bit, i think. i wish i could afford to do something to feel like i was starting anew (like rehab or seeing a therapist (although it doesn't seem to work out for her much)). maybe i caught her mental illness from sleeping in her bed, because i was not this sad before i went to new york. or maybe new york just reminds you that you are really insignificant unless you are doing something big. [yeah. chicago makes everyone feel equal and shitty and part of the earth.]
i hate being alone. when mark is around i don't feel so sad. when he is gone i wonder how he can even love me.
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