unanswerable despressing topic that goes nowhere

missing girl a 'porn star'

so i just read that story: a young girl that does DIY porn on the internet, and why the hell not, well she goes home with some older guy she just met from a bar. she ends up a missing person; his motel room is found all bloody. ughhhh. so of course everyone says or thinks tsk, tsk, don't go home with strangers, slut. but god, that could have been me (back in my "slut phase" of course!) or one of my friends. i know i have found myself in ...questionable situations.

the fact of the matter is that guys simply do not have to worry about being possibly raped or killed when going home with a girl from the bar for a one night stand. it's so depressingly true that despite everything that feminism has done for us (we can go to school! we can vote! we can climb the corporate ladder too, hooray!) that we cannot be equals in this way. we walk home drunk holding mace in the dark, looking hot but not too hot because then you're asking for it, god, this is bullshit.

This is a fucking PROBLEM and it seems to be getting worse, or else the media just wants to scare us indoors, or both.

I don't get rape, I'll never understand how so many men have it in them to rape, and how in many men sex and violence are so intertwined. And what about rape fantasies and why so many women have them yet find the idea in real life repulsive, like some cruel trick nature is playing on us all, what do you do with all this?

I just don't know what to think or feel about porn. I get this urge to take a stance on it, but I can't. Considering most men look at porn, and I look at porn sometimes, and we enjoy it together and are able to separate it from reality; but on the other hand most women in porn are victims of sexual abuse in the past, the porn industry is getting noticeably more violent and misogynistic, and it encourages men to look at women as FUCKING OBJECTS. But then I can understand women kind of wanting to be porn stars and getting pleasure out of men jerking off to them, and that they should be able to do so without being judged, but then again they are perpetuating the whole 'objectify me please' thing, so yeah.......

so why are people not trying to find a solution for the root of the problem, or an end to the cycle of sexual violence again?

oh, phantom audience, here's another story

depressing as fuck this will make you cry maybe

The worst years of my life.

Today I looked at the myspace page for Mortified and their web page. I've read about Mortified quite a bit, but haven't actually checked it out. It sounds really cool and fun, of course, and then I remembered my old high school diaryland account that is still online, and thought, well of course I have some hilariously mortifying things I must have written. I'm going to find these things that will seem so cute and silly 7 years down the road -- after all, I'm an adult now! Except that I've been looking through the thing for awhile now, and everything I've read is doing quite the opposite to me. I expected to find sweet endearing things I could picture myself reading aloud on This American Life. I'm even narrating this post in Ira Glass's voice now:

I.G.: Instead, what she found, was a different story.
Me: It's wasn't cute or funny, instead, it made me nauseous and nervous and depressed. I can't even link to it. I wouldn't want anyone to read this, it's beyond mortifying, and I usually don't even feel that uncomfortable about exhibiting my innermost emotions.


so yeah disappointing.
this is one thing i found that's a bit "haha, wtf":

i do remember one thing. today i learned that the reason burglars in movies put a stethescope up to a combination lock is so they can hear the little tick when they get to the right number. i don't know why i never thought about it before, but i was watching a fish called wanda today, and this dude used a stethescope in the movie, and it just hit me. so that's why they do it!!

this makes me kind of worried yet happy. worried that anyone can break into combination locks with a stethescope. it's just kind of unsettling. you might as well just leave the damn locks off. yet i'm happy to know that if i ever need to break into something with a combination lock, i only need to first find a stethescope.

hey here's another unsettling fact: three of the last 50 people to look at my diary looked at it because they typed something along the lines of "poop shit girls" into google.

I wonder why I was so worried that people could break into combination locks.

I can't sift through any more entries to try and find anything "good"...I wish god would strike me with amnesia for fall 2000 - summer 2002. 80% of the entries are about a certain abusive relationship and reminded me of things I don't want to remember. I still have occasional nightmares about it. I guess I should "get over it", it wasn't "that bad".

is my life worth the space in the world it takes?

I spend a lot of the day reading Jezebel (and not commenting). Usually it makes me happy because I like their confused feministy point of view, that is feminist, but also "girly", while still intelligent. The women that comment are also for the most part very witty and smart and caring people. Today there was shit talking about 1. leggings and 2. Sex and the City.

How I feel about leggings. Wonderful article of clothing they are, and I say this in the least brainwashed way. As for Sex and the City, OMG I am so excited for the movie. Shut up. Yes there's the stupid Carrie Bradshaw "It made me wonder...." and Samantha's ridiculous dick size obsession, etc., and the stupid shoe buying they always bring up that we're supposed to relate to or something, but I love it, and I still love it. I still love it even though so many girls took the message of the show to be whore=female empowerment (another topic altogether). Am I a shitty person for loving leggings and Sex and the City? Am I one of THOSE people? Am I missing something totally profoundly wrong about these things that should make me have nothing but contempt for their existence?

Other things I like that make me stupid:
The Hills
Reading Cosmo cover to cover while traveling
Reading Perez Hilton sometimes

Why should I care? Do jocks ever go, "HMMM buying into all this traditional male gender stereotype stuff by consuming media with misogynist undertones and attending sporting events where machismo and competition is valued over any other aspect of being a male human in this world, well, maybe it is making me an asshole...."

I guess the difference is that a jock at a sporting event probably feels good about himself. He feels like a member of a team, his adrenaline is flowing and his mind is focused on one simple thing. Oh yeah, the other difference is that men pretty much run the fucking world so they don't have to feel bad about anything.

Me reading Cosmo is a different feeling. It makes me feel a bit anxious about things, such as relationships, weight/body issues, my own girliness that is perhaps not enough because I don't actually care THAT much about such things. Mostly it makes me feel anger that women actually read this bullshit. Yet I do it, WE do it sometimes and it's FUN. Isn't there some asshole who said something like "all women are masochists"?

This blog entry has spiraled out of control!