Today I feel frustrated.

It's like I want a nice record collection but I don't want to do all the work of looking for and buying them one by one. This is how I feel most days, but ESPECIALLY TODAY.

I'm bidding on this cutie:



So far it's at $.99!

I just want to sit outside with this cute portable record player and awesome summer tunes, but I don't want to spend time at record stores/yard sales/even the internet finding these awesome tunes. I don't know what my problem about music is these days, but I have gotten very lazy and am not actively seeking out anything new to listen to, and mostly all I want to hear these days is Beach Boys and Beatles and old country. And horrible 90s music. The bad bad horrible songs, that they used to play on the radio in 1993, and you never even knew the band's name because that was their only hit. Or you did know and you got free tickets to their concert at the outdoor amphitheater (Better Than Ezra). I like that song by them that goes "I remember running in the wet grass..." because it reminds me of a simple time that seemed complicated.

I think I do indeed remember running through the wet grass, and that makes me remember getting high from smoking Newports. We would say, "I can't wait til the day when we can smoke real pot," and then we'd discuss what we imagined it would be like. I pictured the smoking pot days to come would be like this: I would walk down dilapidated wooden stairs and there would be a fog machine effect going on. I would lie on the floor at the foot of the stairs and look up into the sun, and there would be stars too. Somehow it is both day and night! I'm also inside, but also outside. My mom is calling me to come do chores, but I am in a daze and walking out the door. I leave the door open. The sun reflecting off a red truck blinds me, and there's a hose sitting flirtatiously on the driveway. I walk cooly down the sidewalk to meet up with my friends feeling like I own the world. This sounds like a music video. It probably was a music video, but I forgot.

Anyway, it totally didn't happen like this! My friends weren't INTO smoking pot, and whenever I did, I was mostly alone and depressed and worried.

I'm thinking of all the things I want to do, but don't want to do by myself, and that's the second frustrating thing of the day. For example, I was having fun trying to make music with Mark but it turned not fun when he tried to control the whole thing because he wanted it to sound "good". Secondly, I could buy my own 4-track and make my own music, but I picture myself doing it all alone in my room and a wave of nausea sweeps over me. I have an irrational fear of recording equipment. I wonder if there is a word for that one. I'm going to google it.

Ok, I can't find anything but one of the first search results was about social phobia, so this is probably an extension of that. Social anxiety is such a crappy problem to have, it's the most embarrassing and debilitating problem, and it's boring.

Oh dear, this is another one that sounds interesting in my head but actually disolves into a big whine.

I will finish the rest of this blog in my head.