my job is crushing my soul, I think

Hello! Today is a gray and rainy September day, and I am feeling nauseous thinking about the future. This week has been rather difficult in a mental sense. Why? I don't know! It's been difficult to maintain my sanity at work and get anything at all done. I have been wanting to bang Borah's head between two large cymbals and knock her unconscious with a loud CLASH! And then I kind of want to kick her or something. As for the rest, I would like to just leave them to live their lives, undisturbed– they have already dug their own graves.

I think this birth control is making me crazy!! Or maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the thought that I have to go to China next week for work and will spend 8 miserable days with the bosses, thinking about work with nobody besides strangers to have real conversation with (and the thought of making conversation with new people already feels exhausting). Also, there is the realization that I have been here for 2 years now, and I'm wondering why I have wasted 2 years of my life on this. I suppose they haven't all been WASTED, but I don't feel like I have grown or experienced much and hello, I am much better than this. Right????

Before the future used to seem far away and exciting, and I had no idea what direction life would take. Now it is going a direction, sort of, more like now I am just stuck in this stupid office making shit and looking for other jobs on the internet and they all sound annoying and seem to pay less than this shitty one. I don't even want to write about this anymore!

I kind of want to just recklessly quit like a more bold adventurous person would do, and just be forced to figure it out from there, but ho ho ho I'm already so broke and can't afford to pay my huge debts: my car is about to be booted, I have a credit card with like 20% interest or something, student loans, blah blah blah. Wow! I sound like Vanessa! Except she would not even attempt to pay her debts. She would spend all her money on scotch and cocaine and poppers and ignore all the bills and sincerely expect them to decide that they don't want her money after all. And then complain about it to everyone when they come after her like it's completely preposterous they'd want to garnish her wages.

Pretty much the only exciting thing going on is moving in with Mark and putting our apartment together, but even that annoys me when I look at how much crap Mark has and how much of it should be thrown away. He hasn't even sorted through it, because it is just TOO MUCH. I don't want to be bitchy and put strain on our relationship so I am trying to relax, which is hard since I am turning into a miserable depressed person who hates her life. He has done pretty well getting things organized considering the amount of stuff there is. We are having people over tonight and I wanted the apt to be more put together before we had people over, but I really just want to get kind of wasted and have fun, which I haven't done in a long time, even though it will be raining for our bbq. Wow, this is such a downer!

Sometimes I want to talk to Mark when I am depressed but it's hard because he doesn't really understand it fully, I don't think, and then he gets kind of worried about me and I end up feeling stupid when he asks me what is wrong and I only answer "everything" and can't stop crying. Then he thinks it has something to do with him, which it doesn't. Then I feel like I'm acting like a 14 year old who just read The Bell Jar. I don't even want to talk to anybody about it, actually. I feel stupid about feeling sad and would like to never be depressed again, which I have been trying so hard to do for the past few years. Depression seems like such a dumb loser thing. Now I feel superior to people who suffer from depression because I used to have it (much worse than now) and I think it was really a waste of time I could have had more control over. I think that I can think myself out of it now. I can't really stand to look at old diaries and I kind of want to burn them so that when I die nobody finds them. But now here I am again typing in an online space about it. This is quite possibly all caused by the birth control. But I don't want to quit because it gets rid of my cramps and helps with my acne!! WAAAAH. I think it's caused by this retarded job.